I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
God I need to hump something, right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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