she was so not down for the gang bang
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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