I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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