You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
