How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
