3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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