im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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