I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
