I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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