I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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