my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
