Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
time to smoke my breakfast
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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