so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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