too bad you live with your parents still
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
