dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
