You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Randomize
