Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
