you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
