I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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