If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
