haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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