you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
