I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
