she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
