I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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