He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
