the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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