What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
