i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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