That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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