he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
