There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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