we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
