Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
