I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
