I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
