Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
