My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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