She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
