My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
smell my finger.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Also, beer. Big fan.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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