it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
