Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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