i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
