Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
