i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
