I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
