dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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