I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
