A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
