but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
