People in love make me want to vomit
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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