so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
